Never before have I had a job in which the quality or effectiveness of my work has been hard to identify or prove. Like nailing jello to a wall, sometimes it seems as if I’ll never pin down how much I’m delivering and if it’s enough.
And I’m not just talking about grammar points and formulas, but planting the seeds of creative desire, hopefully leading students to yearn for more, to experiment with a beautiful language, even if it’s wrapped in difficulty.
Repeatedly I ask myself questions like, “Have I gone above and beyond?”, “Have I been the inspiration I had hoped I would be?”, “Did I plant the seeds of knowledge and not just weeds?”
I put myself in the shoes of my students and wonder if they can relate to my enthusiasm and passion when their own language has so few words and mine has so many.
In addition to being a grammar instructor, writing coach and professional baby-sitter in some cases, I’ve also found myself taking on the role of female empowerer and tactful debunker. I sometimes forget how young and shletered my students are. This is through no fault of their own, but in those moments of realization, I’ve learned to take an opportunity to expand their minds wherever I can.
I know the students and management are very sad to see me go. I combine that with the notion that I’ve worked my butt off this year, and feel that I’ve done my personal best. So I absolutely feel successful, even though I’ve asked more questions than I’ve answered and learned more than I’ve taught. But maybe that’s ok. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. If I’m always learning, perhaps I’ll be a better teacher.
EXPOSED LATITUDES 